This Month's Horoscopes
You are likely to be in the mood to snooze and overindulge a little. Arn‘t you always? You disgust me. Be sure to tell your friends how much coffee you drink and how you think it’s too much, then continue to do nothing about these problems that you have started considering them your identity.
You may be so easygoing that you might miss a scheduled get-together. Like “all of your class”. When people start complaining about your poor time management skills, just say “I‘m fine, i’m just easy going” then giggle. Keep repeating that mantra as your grades, social life, and personal health slide down to despair. You are just easy going!
You will find yourself purchasing things you want but don‘t need - like a circus act DVD or knife-sharpening kit. You should instead be purchasing things you need but don’t want - like a first aid kit, or at least one of those life-alert buttons.
You won‘t fall in love, so much as dive headfirst in love without reading the “no diving in shallow end” sign. If that metaphor is a bit to extract, what I’m saying is at least hide that creepy shrine you made from those Facebook photos your printed out.
Don’t worry about making the first move; just do it. No, seriously. Just approach that guy and tell him hi, and explain how you really like his long hair and his unicycles and don't mind his insecurities. Then invite him out to dinner - he will most certainly offer to pay. At the very least just give him some sort of signal. Anything. He knows how you truly feel, so be free to express yourself to him.
Get that checkup at the health center. You know the one.
You will finally figure out exactly which fetish keeps turning you on during your math class (HINT: it's an ethnicity!)
Pay extra close attention to fire exits. But also, call your loved ones and tell them you love them. No, seriously.
Same as LEO, I‘m pretty sure. Maybe she’s AQUARIUS?
Also the same as LEO. Please?
Romance will come to you. And on your chest. And a little in your hair.